Lamb @ The Jolly Farmer, Hurst 22/03/2015

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Lamb @ The Jolly Farmer, Hurst 22/03/2015

The random number generator picked The Jolly Farmer this week.  It’s a Greene King pub just down the road from one of the better roasts I’ve reviewed at the Castle Inn, and on the edge of Dinton Pastures.  Also dog-friendly.

I did say that I was going to go somewhere good this week, but I had a quick glance on their website and found the following poster:

It didn’t inspire me with confidence.  Nor did their 2010-style website.

But with prices from £7.50 (or £7.95 as the website confusingly states) and a two-figure sum in my bank account, I was not going to over-rule the random number generator.

A quick note of thanks to my followers – last week’s review reached the highest total of readers so far at 262 and counting.  If you enjoy my reviews, it would be appreciated if you could share, like, invite your friends, retweet – whatever your thing.  Consider it the oxygen that feeds my enthusiasm.  Or perhaps your duty to spare your fellow humans from  abominations such as last Sunday.

I called first to book, it was an awful phone line and I could only just about understand the person on the other end.  We would not have been seated at the peak time of 1pm but they did suggest seeing as it was a lovely day that we could sit outside.  Forgive me for having lived down south too long but 10’C is not an appropriate outdoor dining temperature.  They do have a nice, large outdoor area though, which would be pleasant in the summer.

I shall set the scene.  We arrived to, an unremarkable-looking pub.  Several people shouting at the football on the television screens – thankfully no television screens in the dining area.  The staff looked on the harried side to begin, with a touch of confusion over who was serving our drinks and showing us to our table once those in front of us had been served.  Some of the clientele, were, how do I put it…matching the price of the food on offer.  Not all, but there was a definite chavvy element within.

There, I have said it.  Last week I offended the feminists, this week I have offended the lower classes of society.  But I am actually a man of the people.  A bit like Ed Miliband.

Yeah…

Anyway, before I go off on one about that tosspot and offend all of my Labour-voting readers.  We were hurriedly given the options still available – chicken or lamb.  I do find it hard to choose anything else when lamb is on offer.

Dinner arrived after a 10-15 minute wait.  It was reasonably well-presented – judging from looks it was clearly not going to be claiming a top-3 spot, neither was it going to be as bad as last week.  A bit like going on a blind date, and being relieved that your date isn’t three times your size, but equally isn’t a stunner either.

The carrots were those baby carrot things, I quite enjoyed them.  They had a bit of crunch to them and still had their outer skin on, which I like.  And they tasted of carrots.  My accomplice, however, said some of them tasted of anus.  I do not have the requisite experience to judge on this comment, I simply thought it tasted of carrot.

The broccoli on the other hand seemed rather anaemic, weathered and tasteless.

I couldn’t work out if we were served with cauliflower or cauliflower cheese.  Two of the pieces of cauliflower suggested not, but the other piece had some kind of orange crust on it.  I couldn’t taste any cheese either but that seems to be a pattern.

There were 4 roast potatoes of varying sizes.  Some large, some small.  And they were an unspectacularly decent gathering of roast potatoes.  Fluffy on the inside, with an element of crispiness on the outside – perhaps more solid than crispy.  Not bad at all.

Apparently the lamb was a lamb shank.  I am not sure why you would be served lamb shank with no evidence of the bone.  It didn’t seem like lamb shank to me.  It was a little more cooked than ideal and fairly tasteless.  A fair proportion with a small side-serving of mint sauce, which normally I would forgo but was useful to add a touch of taste.

My accomplice’s lamb did come with added string.

One solitary and fairly small Yorkshire pudding accompanied the dinner – clearly something mass-produced and popped in the oven for 4 minutes.  On a level with an Aunt Bessie’s offering.  Acceptable.

The gravy summed up the whole meal – unspectacular but decent.  The consistency was thick enough for a southerner and it tasted like gravy without doing anything weird to it.  There was hardly any on the plate but a full gravy boat was forthcoming upon request.

The service did improve – whilst at first it seemed we were a little in the way, it was friendly and courteous enough once they had calmed down – with the older gentleman (possibly Italian?) full of charisma which is always good to see.  Friendly enough for me to forget my bank balance and order the cheesecake for dessert.

It is a rating I have had to think about.  Very unspectacular.  But decent enough.  Better than expectations given the off-putting photograph on the website.  And especially for the price – £8.95 is the cheapest roast so far.  So it was good value.  I have to take into account that it was nearly half the price of the very, very good Castle Inn.

I shall give it a very unspectacular but decent 6.1 out of 10.

Next week’s venue will depend on my bank balance.  I have enough coins in my coin jar to afford The World Turned Upside Down.  Possibly time to stick my hand down the back of the sofa.

Beef @ The Pheasant Hotel, Winnersh 15/03/2015

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Beef @ The Pheasant Hotel, Winnersh 15/03/2015

This week’s roast dinner was chosen by the random number generator.  I find this is an excellent approach of running various aspects of my life, particularly where there are plentiful and variable options.  For example, when I have too many e-mails at work to answer, I sometimes choose which to answer by random number generator.

It means that I don’t ignore those really horrid, difficult e-mails – if the random number generator says I have to do it then I do it,

I did have a tentative arrangement to go for a roast with a young lady from work so I had a quick look at their website.  The website is shocking – it looks like it was made by a 10-year old on meow-meow or whatever the youngsters take now.  It was glue in my day.  I remember being shown a shocking video at school on glue-sniffing.  I hadn’t even heard of it as a drug before then.  So of course I stole myself some Pritt Stick.  Didn’t see the fuss though.

Anyway, not only was the website shocking but the pictures of the food didn’t look appealing.  This for example:

Perhaps the blur was intentional?

Sadly, or perhaps thankfully, my potential accomplice had a hangover less bearable than mine so it was on the train by myself to Winnersh.  I was going to overrule the random number generator had she not succumbed to Sunday service.

Upon arrival I was instantly struck by the televisions showing some rugby game – ITA vs FRA.  I racked my brain to try to work out which teams they were.  I assume FRA were Featherstone Rovers, I guess ITA is Ilkley Town but not sure.  I don’t remember Ilkley Town having a rugby team.  They also seemed to have more than 13 men on each team, though this could have been down to the fact that my hangover had not yet arrived.  My point being that television and food are not compatible in a dining establishment.

The menu which I forgot to photograph was a Mother’s Day special.  Beef or chicken.  Two courses for £12.00 and a free glass of wine for the special lady.  I was going to ask if I was wearing a dress, would I get a free glass of wine, but I decided against applying my sense of humour.

Not everyone gets my sense of humour.  I was in John Lewis the other week, and went up to the vacuum cleaner salesmen and asked if he wanted me to throw the rubbish in my pocket on the floor so he could practice.  He aggressively responded “What did you just say?”.  I was like, “I’m only joking with you.”.  “No what did you just say to me?”.

Sometimes I have to keep inside my head what I think is funny.  I wish other people wouldn’t say everything that comes to their mind either.  Especially on a Monday morning.

But sometimes though in life you do need to have a sense of humour.

Anyway, I ordered the beef and it arrived exactly 9 minutes later, whilst in the middle of reading an article on how gentrification of Washington is not necessarily a bad thing.  Hug your hipster was the conclusion.

The carrots were cold.  I had a few but I didn’t finish them.  This is the first time on one of these reviews that I have left anything other than bone.

The green beans were comparable to eating plastic straws.  I had a few but left the rest of them.

Given the shocking vegetables, clearly the worst vegetables that I have come across so far, perhaps ever in my life, I was curiously pleased to see that the roast potatoes were actually roasted.

About 5 hours beforehand.

Yes they were boiling hot and soggy, yet with a crispy outer edge.

One assumes the microwave found plenty of water molecules in the potato, and none in the vegetables.

Can you guess where this review is heading?

The Yorkshire pudding was a filled-in kind of sponge.  There was no redeeming feature – the taste was exceptionally bland.  Ooh we had a parsnip.  Quite tasty but floppy.

I left the beef until last and I guess it was the best bit.  Which is kind of like saying that the drugs at hospital are the best bit about being stabbed.  Not that I have ever been stabbed, though I was threatened a few times growing up in Hull – including the first week at primary school, aged 5.

Bad was the beef – as bad as the linguistic quality that begins this paragraph.  Far too well-cooked, with plenty of gristle and fat.  It was crapo.  I did mean to write the word ‘crap’ but I actually think crapo is more effective in this case, so I have not corrected it.  I always think of new ideas for blogs, I think one day I am going to do a blog called “Tapas Or Crapas”, but given the shortage of tapas restaurants in the area it would probably need to be a UK-wide blog, or maybe for when I move to London like I have been threatening to do for the last 10 years.

And only after I have gone through my Spanish cook-book bought for my birthday by my aforementioned work friend.  I have spent more time talking about me than the roast haven’t I?

I guess I should mention the gravy.  It was probably Bisto.  Lumpy Bisto.

So this was the worst roast dinner I have reviewed.  But I really enjoyed it in a “I am really going to enjoy writing about this” kind of way.  The whole dining experience actually got even more impressive, as the gentleman on the table next to me returned his starter for having mould on it.  I am going to increase the score a fraction just for having the balls to serve mouldy bread.  The woman cooking did come over and offer not to charge them for it.

I was silently in hysterics.  I thought it was absolutely brilliant.

Thankfully my mum lives 220 miles away as she would not have been impressed with this “Mother’s Day Special”.  It kind of reminds me of the time my grandma took the family out to this crappy, sorry, crapo chain pub for Christmas Day once and the dinner was atrocious.  But it was so crapo that it was funny.  My mother told me that I was not allowed to tell my grandma what I thought of it.  All of my family were like “oh that was really nice, thanks ever so much”, despite leaving half of it on their plates.

I told her the truth.  Thank you ever so much grandma, but it was awful.  Can I cook next time?  They actually let me cook the sprouts now.

I’m going to give it a 1.2 out of 10.  Mainly for the mouldy bread treat and the really attractive young lady behind the bar as the food had absolutely no redeeming features.  Inedible Reading where are you?

On the way home I popped into the Lyndhurst to watch my friend eat a far better roast dinner – which is on my list to re-review as the chef there seems to be doing wonders, and the original review isn’t really applicable now.

I’m going to finish this special review with the first (and possibly last) of a new musical feature.

I wonder if I can fit it into my next DJ set?  Gosh that was a tenuous way to promote.

Please don’t go, don’t gooooooo, I’m begging you to stay.  And eat gravay.  Don’t gooooo owoah owoah.  Just don’t go.  Please don’t go.  Don’t sniff glue.  Just don’t, owooooooahn’t.  Just don’t go.  Or sniff glue.

Next Sunday I am going somewhere good.

Pork Loin @ Castle Inn, Hurst 08/03/2015

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Pork Loin @ Castle Inn, Hurst 08/03/2015

I had a month off drinking recently.  In fact, a month off every kind of intoxicant that you can think of, paracetamol, caffeine – everything.

What has this got to do with roast dinners, I hear you ask.  I’m not entirely sure either.

But there is always a risk after a big night out that there is an inability to achieve the one and only goal of the day, especially after a 15 hour session.

This week though, I had extra incentive as I had the company of my favourite Polish plumber, Tarquin (otherwise known as Ben).  And he was driving.  Which was lucky as the random number generator had picked a pub out in the countryside that would have meant using a bus and a 30 minute walk from the nearest bus stop, which I don’t think my fragile state could have handled.

Actually it wasn’t entirely random.  It was skewed as unbeknown to me I had listed it twice on my to-do list.  But rules are there to be broken, as I may not have said to my mother when the police charged me, aged 13, with trespassing on railway lines.  Kids, if you are reading, don’t go on railway lines.  Gravy is much more fun.

So without further ado, I bring you a roast dinner review of the Castle Inn, in Hurst, brought to you in association with Sunflower Plumbing.

The Castle Inn is a traditional country pub, with low ceilings and warm feelings, next to a bowling green.  Roasts are served midday until 4pm – beef and pork were the choices, though the chicken dish was also amendable into a roast dinner.  It was £18.95 for two courses – if I recall correctly it was £13 for just the roast, perhaps £14.

I did try to enquire via their website form however I did not receive a response.  The website only suggested that food was served – no clarification on whether roast dinners were part of the offering.  Though the Christmas menu was still on the website (it isn’t now).  The website wasn’t especially helpful – I probably would have just assumed that it didn’t do roast dinners were I not on a mission to review all roast dinners in the area.  Being a budding web designer I notice poor websites.

Given the previous day and night’s alcohol consumption, my taste buds were not working in particularly good order.  But my companion is not only an excellent plumber, but also an exceptional cook – no roast dinner has ever come close to those that he has cooked for me.

The dinner arrived after around 15-20 minutes.  It was well presented and came with a separate bowl of vegetables to share.

The vegetables were copious and correct.  Decent but nothing special, the carrots were soft and tender, the broccoli with a little more bite.  The green beans though were quite exceptional – quite stringy and on the thin side – Sainsburys basics these were not.  I do not normally come away raving about a vegetable but these really were quite exceptional.

My friend advised that a hint of mustard was included in the cauliflower cheese.  I cannot say that I noticed.  The cauliflower cheese was again generous, and creamy but very little in the way of a cheese taste.

My driver was not too keen on it been on the plate, however I was not concerned.  What did annoy me, and this is just a fractional irritant, was the apple sauce on the plate – I probably should have mentioned when ordering that I didn’t want the apple sauce (which my driver believes was just from a jar) as this inadvertently contaminated the Yorkshire pudding.

Said Yorkie was very large and home-made.  My plumbing adviser believes that it was cooked in beef dripping rather than oil.  Perhaps just a tad too long in the oven as it was a little more on the crispy side than preferred.

Crispy is also the word for the roast potatoes.  Yes, three weeks in a row I have had good roast potatoes.  In fact these were very good.  Probably the best roast potatoes I have reviewed so far.

There were 3 slices of pork loin.  Not quite as generous as the rest of the meal but more than sufficient, and pleasantly succulent slices with a little fat.  I like a little bit of fat.  The cracking was crunchy and edible but nothing special.  Annoyingly it was laid on the apple sauce.

The gravy was good.  Not too strong a taste, not that I could taste anything properly anyway, and a reasonable consistency.  My calling card for extra gravy was met swiftly and sufficiently with a good-sized pot of gravy.  In fact the service was really good throughout, guiding my delicate state through the process and even anticipating my request for the Yorkshire pudding (not on the menu for the pork) without me even having to say anything.  It having been International Women’s Day yesterday, I should also mention that the barmaids/waitresses were pleasingly attractive.

Overall the theme was one of generosity and the rating will match.  The quality was there too, minus a couple of imperfections though it was a shame that I could not fully appreciate the roast dinner in my delicate predicament.

I do fully recommend this roast and give it a rating of 8.1.

Next week’s roast will be somewhere along the Reading to Waterloo train line.  Well, that’s the plan anyway.

Beef Sirloin @ The Plowden Arms 01/03/2015

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Beef Sirloin @ The Plowden Arms 01/03/2015

With Vladimir Putin flexing his muscles, I thought that I should do the same on Sunday and took a long walk to Shiplake, via Sonning Beach.

It was a pleasant 2.5 hour riverside walk, though the mud ensured that this was more of a pleasant spring walk than a March march.

The Plowden Arms was my destination, chosen by random number generator, my favourite way to make a decision.

They actually found me a couple of months ago and suggested to me on Twitter that they had a very good roast.  I had to check it out.  If any pubs/restaurants around Reading are reading please do make yourselves are to me.  Unless you do a bad roast – in which case you might not want to.  I don’t take any prisoners (of war).

The pub itself was a quaint traditional village pub with some very old music playing – it reminded me of the kind of music they would play in the war to keep up morale.  Wait a minute, were the Russians advancing?

Two choices on the menu for roast fans – pork shoulder with crackling or beef sirloin.  As I had pork last weekend, I had no choice but to go for beef.  As I am trying to lose excess weight, under orders from my sergeant, so I chose just to have the main course for £16.00.

I have to say that the whole menu looked really interesting with various more adventurous offerings than your local Wetherspoons.  But I am here to talk roasts, and roasts only.

Dinner arrived within 20 minutes and I was immediately pleased to see the home-cooked nature.

The vegetables arrived in three separate dishes.  I am pretty sure that one dish would have sufficed.

Carrots first.  They were slightly unusual tasting but in a good way.  So many places just seem to serve up standard boiled carrots when it is so easy to turn an average vegetable into a taste sensation.  Honey and caraway was the flavour – I’m not a fan of honey but it was just a hint enough to be enjoyable.  I have no idea what caraway is.  This is not a northern ingredient.

The cauliflower cheese was good. Tender cauliflower with creamy cheese over it.  A vast improvement from the place I reviewed last week.

King cabbage was…cabbage.  I didn’t eat too much of it.  Cabbage is cabbage.  I just don’t really know what to say about this.

The roast potatoes were very good.  Not quite as soft and fluffy on the inside as would have been ideal, more firm that soft.  But look at those crispy edges.  And they were of a good size too.  A good spud.

My mother would make similar Yorkshire puddings to the one which was delivered.  It wasn’t the biggest, or the best but it was a good home-cooked Yorkshire pudding.  But my mother would have given me three Yorkshires, not one.

However my mother would not cook similar beef as she seems to think pink meat is bad.  I love pink meat.  The waitress did advise upon ordering that they cooked their beef pink, which I thought was a good touch – as my mother would not have been keen.  In fact the service was good throughout and it only dawns on me now that I forgot to leave a tip.  Hopefully this good review will go some way to compensate. My mother doesn’t like my hair cut either.

So back onto le beouf, and it was succulent tender sirloin beef.  A really nice piece of beef.  I was a tad disappointed with just two fairly thin slices of beef as I do love my meat.  But quality is more important than quantity.  Oh there is one thing to mention though – I had a butter knife to cut the beef.  Now it wasn’t exactly difficult to cut such good quality, tender beef – but it did seem odd.

Gravy.  I didn’t need to ask for more gravy as I mentioned it on my online booking with the special consideration of ‘gravy’.  They understood.  Not only was there a reasonable amount on the plate but there was an accompanying gravy boat too.  Maybe they knew who I was?  Maybe my cover has been blown?  Oh and it was a good consistency, a touch of thickness and a meaty taste.

I did really enjoy the meal and was disappointed that I couldn’t stay for dessert as I had changed my mind by this point.  I had to rush off to get the hourly train back to barracks and knew that there was heavy rain on the way (you may also know me from Weather Forecast for Reading).  Also I didn’t want to risk catching trenchfoot.

I’m going to give it a good round 8 out of 10.  I do recommend it if you are willing to take a trip out into the countryside – it is along the A4155 or a 25 minute walk from Shiplake train station.  Or a 2.5 hour walk along the Thames.  Sunday lunch is served midday until 330pm.

Next weekend I intend on going to a nice country pub and sitting in the garden to enjoy a roast and a pint.  My month-long detox will be over and I shall be having a nice vodka or two.  Unless it is on war embargo, in which case it will be a nice pint of cider.  In the sunshine.  I cannot wait.

I’m ready for you Mr Putin.

Innnnnnnnn 1.  We have the disputed territory of Abkhazia.
Innnnnnn 2.  The newly conquered Crimea.
Innnnnn 3.  The gangland of strip of Transnitia.
Innnnnnnn 4.  The exclave of Kaliningrad.
Innnnnn 5.  Another Georgian territory of South Ossetia.
Innnnnn 6.  The war-torn Chechnya.
Innn 7.  A £7million loan to the National Front in France.
Innnn 8.  The newly captured Donbas region.
And Bully’s Special Prize.  Tonight you can win 8,000 nuclear weapons, 1,800 of which active for use straight away.  And a caravan.
Yeah…maybe I’ll stick to reviewing roasts.

Slow-Cooked Pork Belly @ The George, Winnersh Triangle 22/02/2015

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Slow-Cooked Pork Belly @ The George, Winnersh Triangle 22/02/2015

This week’s roast location was chosen as it is within walking distance of a couple of good friends that I hadn’t seen for a while – just a short train journey from Reading to Winnersh Triangle.

Pedants amongst us (I include myself) will note that this is a Chef & Brewer pub – and has pretty much the same food offering as The Griffin, which I reviewed last year.  If not identical.  Pedant I might be but I have not checked each menu to see if they are exactly the same.

Upon arrival I advised that I had booked a table for 3, using the online booking form that morning.  This seemed to cause some confusion at first but I was seated soon enough.

And I remained seated for around 15 minutes before my friends arrived.  Nobody thought to ask if I wanted a drink, or to offer me the menu to take a look at.  I did consider drinking the water from the small vase that a rose was perched in, to make a point, but the sobriety that my month-long detox has impaled upon me meant that I just continued to sit there quietly and read an article in the Economist about the recovery in the manufacturing sector in London – did you know that the manufacturing sector in London grew by 15% last year?  Manufacturing is growing faster in London than any other region in the UK.  Albeit from a low base.

I think I may have digressed.  But if I have to wait for a drink, then you have to wait for me to manufacture the review.

So when my friends arrived, we continued to wait a bit for some attention but it was not forthcoming.  If only my teleportation device was as successful as my invisibility cloak.  We went to the bar to order to be advised, “You know you can order from your table”.

I do like having something to moan about.

Now the roast at The Griffin was distinctly average, however I had ordered from the standard menu without realising that they had a Sunday Best menu – I allow myself to repeat reviewed pubs if there is a reason, but I do not allow repeat mistakes.

The Sunday Best options were slow-cooked pork belly, slow-cooked rib of beef or slow-cooked lamb shoulder – which unnervingly we were advised was taken off the menu due to not being of the required standard.  Did that mean that they had high standards for their customers, or does that mean that their supplier was crap?

I ordered the pork belly with sage & onion stuffing, along with a side of cauliflower cheese.

Dinner arrived, sans cauliflower cheese after a reasonable wait of around 15 minutes, and the dinner looked reasonable.

Vegetables first and they were a mix of cauliflower, carrots and broccoli.  All were your fairly standard mass-manufactured vegetables, though I was a little confused as to some of the carrots being warm and others cold.  A decent standard, there really isn’t much to say about them.  No cauliflower cheese yet though.

Let’s talk Yorkshire next.  The Yorkshire pudding was a kind of medium-large size though seemed more like a slightly larger Aunt Bessie’s affair – it wasn’t much to write home about.  Still no cauliflower cheese.

The pig in blanket was good.  A chunky pork sausage with one thin rasher of bacon around it.  A far larger sausage than the Malmaison managed.  Perhaps I should have ordered a few of them as side-dishes rather than the cauliflower cheese.

Now the pork belly.  Upon first tasting I was impressed – it just glided onto my fork and melted in my mouth.  It seemed that I had struck meat-gold.

But this was not repeated.  Perhaps I had struck oil instead as most of the pork belly was fat.  I guess that is the risk that you take with pork belly as it is a fatty joint but this was not enjoyable.  And what should have been crackling on top was just soft, squidgy and fatty too.  I was actually a tiny bit queasy afterwards which is very unusual for me.

How about the sage and onion stuffing?  Well how about it indeed.  Apparently it borrowed my invisibility cloak.  Unless it was infused into the pork belly?

The gravy was non-distinct.  It didn’t really have a particular taste and was a slightly runny consistency.  Averagely average and I don’t have many words for average.  I did ask for extra and was brought some fairly quickly – in one of those tiny cups that they bring the milk out in with a cup of tea.  Clearly lost in translation once again.

Do I need to spell out that I am from up north when I ask for extra gravy?

Next Sunday I am kind of expecting to receive my extra gravy in a thimble.

I can finish on a high though.  And a surprising one at that.  My regular readers will know that I consistently complain about “roast” potatoes.  Well, these were roasted.  They had crispy edges.  They were actual roast potatoes like I would make at home (without the herbs and pepper than I cook with).  Not warm but I don’t want to be too critical, after all, somehow they managed to do what almost every place so far has failed to do and make actual roast potatoes.  Possibly the best roast potatoes I have reviewed.

Oh wait a minute, I forgot something.  And I wasn’t the only person to forget.  Do you know what I am talking about?

I hope you are liking this interactive review.  Or should I say, are you enjoying this interactive review?

The answer is cauliflower cheese.  It arrived when I had eaten around two thirds of my dinner.  It wasn’t worth waiting for – creamy but not cheesy.  If only it was a pig in blanket.

So there you go.  I guess you have worked out that it isn’t going to be challenging for roast of the year come December.  It was hugely let down by the poor piece of pork, and the service issues.  However it was also partly my fault as I tried some of the beef too and that was really excellent – a very smoky tasting rib and a furlong better than the pork.  In fact, it was a mile better.  Had I chosen the beef and had extra pigs in blankets, rather than the cauliflower cheese, then I would have been talking a rating of at least 7.0.

As it is, I feel that a 5.8 out of 10 is fair for an £11.99 roast.

Next Sunday I am heading out into the sticks.

Corn-Fed Chicken @ Malmaison 15/02/2015

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Corn-Fed Chicken @ Malmaison 15/02/2015

It being Valentine’s weekend, I had planned on going to the most miserable venue imaginable.  But as happened last week, my original plan was subverted and I had a romantic offer that I could not refuse for five guys.

No, not the burger chain in the Oracle, but five of us guys decided upon a romantic Sunday roast in the Malmaison.

Upon initial inspection, it isn’t the cheapest at £19.95.  However this includes unlimited starter, the roast itself and dessert.

This is a roast dinners review page so I will not go into detail on the starter and the dessert, however they have to be taken into consideration as it is a full 3-course meal on offer – there was no option to pay less and just have the roast dinner.

The starter was a buffet spread, with bread, olives, cured meats, posh sausage rolls, smoked salmon – even a whole blimmin’ salmon.  The chef was also on hand to prepare a salad, if one so desired.  Unlimited starter is dangerous.  I wouldn’t say it was especially special.  It wasn’t anything I couldn’t have prepared myself by opening a packet of sliced cured meats from Sainsburys.

What was special was the dessert.  There were several options, none of which massively appealed until I heard about the dessert de jour – until then I was about to select the cheese and biscuits as default, which did include a gravestone biscuit.

The dessert de jour was…drum roll…chocolate cheesecake.  Did I build up the suspense enough?  It was pretty immense in taste, with 3 distinct sections, though a rather tough biscuit to cut with a spoon.  It was the icing on the…cake.  It was also an impressively generous-sized slice too.

What wasn’t so impressive in size was the roast dinner.

I had the choice of beef with Yorkshire pudding or corn-fed chicken with stuffing and a sausage wrapped in bacon, but no Yorkshire pudding.  WTF?  I requested the chicken dish but with a Yorkshire pudding to be included as my Valentine’s gift.  She was clearly charmed by my beauty as I was successful in my request.

When the main course arrived (we waited a reasonable length of time between courses if you are reading dear Edible – at least 15 minutes between taking away our starter plates and bringing the main course), the main plate consisted of a piece of chicken, one smallish Yorkshire pudding, two small round slices of stuffing and one small chipolata wrapped in bacon.  With just two vegetable medleys between five guys.

And just the tiniest drizzle of gravy.  Can you see it?

My granddad taught me to save the best until last, so let’s start with the mixed medley of vegetables, as is traditional, which really were a mixed bunch.

The carrots were sensational.  The tastiest ordinary carrots I have reviewed so far.  The green beans were good too – slightly flexible but still crunchy, and tasted superb with the gravy.  I never get mine that good.

The parsnips were not so impressive – parsnips really should be roasted.

And speaking of what should be roasted – potatoes.  Why can nowhere do decent roast potatoes?  They were average, at best.  The kind of deep-fried efforts that fall apart – with a solid outside as opposed to roasty-crispy goodness.

Thankfull you cannot really go wrong with pigs in blankets, and this was a high-grade chipolata wrapped properly in some tasty bacon.

The stuffing wasn’t so high-grade – it was how I would imagine a £5 coin to be, in terms of thickness and a consistent circumference.  It seemed factory-made and a little out of place – though it worked well when mixed with the Yorkshire pudding and chicken.

The Yorkshire pudding was a little anaemic, and a little little too.  Too strong a taste of vegetable oil and really not one of the best offerings I have had.

I had always kind of assumed in an I’m from up north what’s wrong with burning coal to heat your house kind of way that corn-fed chicken was something that only rich yummy-mummy vegetarian lesbians had.  Why feed corn to a chicken?

Well it turns out that average-income childless carnivorous non-lesbian blokes really appreciate corn-fed chicken too.  It was so plump and succulent – it tasted like chicken is actually supposed to taste like.  There was ‘only’ a chicken breast but aforementioned plumpness usurped any desire for more.  An excellent piece of chicken.

I did have a bite of the beef too – it looked amazing, though it only tasted very good.

And finally, the dribble of gravy.  All five of us requested extra gravy.  We received one miniature gravy boat’s worth.  So we requested extra gravy again.  And received one miniature gravy boat’s worth.  Either they weren’t getting us, or we weren’t getting it.

It was however a really good gravy, chicken-stock based with a reasonably thick consistency.  Good work.

Overall it was a good roast but it is a difficult one to rate.  Do I take into unlimited starter and the dessert?  Due to them being included in the price, I feel that I have to, to some extent as £19.95 for just that roast dinner would have been extortionate.

Plus service charge.  Which four of us thought was reasonable though far from spectacular service, however the Canadian amongst us was unimpressed.  Apparently you get far better service over the pond.  But do you get good gravy?

This is a roast dinners in Reading blog and therefore the rating is focused on the roast dinner part.  Had I been reviewing the whole 3 courses in that context, it would receive a slightly higher rating.

As it was, I feel that a 7.4 out of 10 is appropriate.  Full marks for meat and carrots, low marks for ‘roast’ potatoes and yorkies.

Next Sunday I am heading east.

Beef, Pork & Lamb Carvery @ The Crown, Playhatch 25/01/2015

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Beef, Pork & Lamb Carvery @ The Crown, Playhatch 25/01/2015

Happy Birthday To Me.  Let’s Eat Some Gravy.

Yes it was my birthday weekend, so I could break all the rules I wished which included drinking red wine for breakfast but more pertinently, revisit an establishment that I had already reviewed.

It being my birthday I had decided to invite my friends to come for a roast at the 2014 RDAR winner – The Crown, in Playhatch.  There has to be a good reason to revisit a venue, under new management for example, or a new chef being in place (The Lyndhurst is back on my to-do list), but in this case I just wanted to go back to my favourite, take as many friends as possible and hope it is still as good as last year.

The Crown is a very popular venue and one I had to book 2 weeks in advance for a sizable group of us.  They have two sittings – one at midday and one at 3pm

I packed a very healthy-sized dinner for just £13.00.  A carvery choice that included turkey, gammon, lamb, pork and beef – I had the latter three.  I don’t think I could have put any more on my plate – and I held the queue up whilst I poured more and more and more gravy on – though this time I didn’t leave a gravy trail like I did the other week at a venue in Northamptonshire (there was no protesting that it was nothing to do with me – the trail led all the way onto my table – it was their fault for serving such small plates).

The choices of vegetables were red cabbage, carrots and broccoli-cheese.  I just had the broccoli as it smelt gorgeous, and tasted so too.  The cheese was just the right amount, more than a hint and mixed in a creamy fashion with the gravy.  The broccoli was a tad on the crunchy side but a very healthy vegetable.

I know I should have had all 3 vegetables for the review but my birthday, my rules.

The roast potatoes were a decent effort.  Not really any crispiness on the edges but still soft inside.  If anywhere can do really good roast potatoes this year then they may take the crown off…The Crown.

Yeah I know.

The Yorkshire Puddings were excellent.  There were some flatter offerings but mine had sturdy edges and soft bottoms like they should – I only went for two.  There were little bits of crackling too which were very tasty and not too crunchy.

All of the meats were good.  The beef was a little red on the inside, which is perfect.  The pork was good.  The lamb in particular was very nice.  It is always nice to see large lumps of meat and the portion-sizes were generous.

And most importantly, the gravy.  It had an excellent consistency (I would make it thicker myself but it probably wouldn’t appeal to the average southerner), it was made with a meat stock and was quite a strong taste.  In fact possibly a touch too strong as I did get a little tired of it towards the end of my very large meal.

Sunday was a success.  Several people told me it was the best roast they have eaten in a while.  Everyone was impressed and it remains my favourite roast dinner.

My rating is an 8.7 which is almost the same as last year.

It remains top of the roast dinner league.  However I have a feeling that somewhere will beat it, somewhere will take the crown off The Crown.  A ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It wasn’t funny the first time was it?

If you appreciate my reviews, please do like, share and invite your friends to my page.  Call it my birthday present, if you wish!

Slow-Roasted Pork Belly @ The Black Boy, Shinfield 18/01/2015

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Slow-Roasted Pork Belly @ The Black Boy, Shinfield 18/01/2015
This roast dinner was selected from my to-do list by the
random number generator.  I like to use
the random number generator wherever possible in life to enhance
decision-making.  Sometimes it makes a
good call – other times a dubious call, but one has to follow the instructions
of the random number generator – there is no over-riding it.
What I wasn’t willing to leave to random choice was my
choice of dinner.  Beef sirloin, chicken
or slow-roasted belly of pork.
There was only one choice, despite that fact that it was
advertised as coming with a red wine jus. 
I am a gravy man.  I hate
jus.  I do have to pronounce this
carefully – I had to delete a Facebook friend once for anti-Semitism.  I really cannot believe people still have
such views.
Anyway, before I go too far off topic, my choice was
pork.  Slow-roasted belly of pork.  It sounds good doesn’t it?
I have always liked The Black Boy.  Welcoming with a good menu, a reasonable
choice of drinks and reasonably-priced (at least for down here), a good garden to sit in – a good ambience.  They serve food from midday until 9pm on a
Sunday – we arrived around 4pm and it was busy. 
I would suggest if eating at a more traditional time then booking in
advance would be wise.
The food took around 25 minutes to arrive – it was nicely
presented with a substantial chunk of pork belly on top of a bed of mash, with
a moat of red wine jus around it.  The
vegetables came on a separate serving plate.
The vegetable offerings were carrots, broccoli and red
cabbage.  The carrots and broccoli were
fairly indistinct – seemingly steamed, quite soft and plain.  The red cabbage on the other hand was
notably-tasty, especially when mixed with the mash and jus.
I was saddened that there were no roast potatoes, though on
reflection this was probably a wise move given how so many places seem to get
them wrong.  My fellow-diner had roast
potatoes with his chicken roast and advised that they were a little burnt.  My mash on the other hand was excellent –
just the slightest hint of apple and again, went really well with the jus.
Finally to the piece of no resistance.  The pork belly was substantial in size and a
succulent, juicy piece of pork.  It was
really, really good.  But not only that,
it was topped with crackling that was crunchy but edible, and so, so tasty.  Writing this right now is quite difficult as
I just want repeat the experience yet all I have in front of me is fruit salad
or salad salad.
 
And the jus?  I have
to admit that it was really nice.  There
was just enough, it soaked into the mash nicely and accompanied all parts of
the dish with additional flavour – though the pork belly was so succulent that
it didn’t need any liquidity.
I may need to review my antipathy towards jus.
This really was a very good roast, one worth making the
effort to get over the M4 for.  I made
the right choice, my friend very much enjoyed his chicken dinner and my other
friend was raving about his plate of chips.
A suitably impressive score of 8.2 out of 10.

Chicken @ Oakford Social Club 11/01/2015

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Chicken @ Oakford Social Club 11/01/2015
Around 5-6 years ago, myself and our friends used to go to
the Oakford Social Club almost every Sunday. 
This was the era when they had crayons, paints and canvasses on the
tables for budding artists to draw pictures of bearded dwarves conjoined to tables over
a nest of wasps.
It was always busy, sometimes we had to wait for a
table.  We always had a roast dinner –
sometimes they were very good, other times they were fairly awful.  Generally the staff were hopelessly forgetful
and looked like they were on some form of tranquilizer.  It was a great place to spend a hungover
Sunday.
Then they stopped doing the art.  They stopped doing the roasts.  And assumedly stopped doing the tranquilizer
as the service is much better nowadays. 
The really cute girl with short hair left.  We stopped going.
Myself and two close friends actually set off to go to The Blagrave
Arms yesterday, having heard good things about their roast.  Alas it was closed so we went around the
corner to our old home, the Oakford. 
Sadly I had left my fake beard at home but did have coloured trousers on
so I didn’t stand out too much.
I was a little pushed for time, having just 40 minutes until
I had to meet someone – thankfully there was no kitchen queue.  The menu offered a choice of beef, chicken or
something vegetarian that I took absolutely no notice of.  No beef left so chicken was the only option
for an anti-vegetarian such as myself.
Despite there being no kitchen wait, it still took 30 minutes for the roast to arrive.  I have to say that I was not especially hopeful
for a good roast dinner.  I really like
the Oakford as a pub but just had a feeling that the roast was going to be
awful.  My expectations were not changed
upon arrival.
The vegetables were a seasonal root vegetable mix.  All quite soft and soggy, with a
little microwave-warmth.  Swede, carrot,
parsnip, onion, possibly some curly kale were in cube-like evidence.  Edible but not enjoyable.  Actually I quite liked the parsnip.
5 minutes later our separately-ordered cauliflower cheese
arrived, and my extra gravy.  The
cauliflower itself was fine but the cheese was runny and messy – I do prefer
more of a sticky kind of feel to the cheese on cauliflower cheese.
The roast potatoes were the worst I have reviewed so
far.  The word “roast” would be
unjustified – they were cold inside, as if they had been reheated in the
microwave.  Which they had been.
The Yorkshire pudding was burnt.
I do have something good to say.  There was a lot of chicken – a whole half of
a chicken.  It was a touch on the dry
side but more generous than I have experienced elsewhere.  I particularly enjoyed the breast.
And the gravy was a reasonable effort too.  One of those red-wine efforts that kind of
taste like tomato.  A meat stock-based
gravy would have been far more welcome but it did have a good consistency –
this and the chicken rescued the roast – to an extent.
I am saddened to give such a bad review.  There is a lot to like about the Oakford –
the staff are friendly, the burgers are excellent, the range of beers is one of
my personal favourites in Reading – the crowd is generally good and music far
more interesting than most places in the town centre offer.
It’s uniqueness does seem to have been faded by central
office control over the years, and the roast dinner is a particularly disappointing
example of this.  What might work in an
inner-city pub in Stoke does not transfer to a hipster-style pub in
Berkshire.  Horses for courses.

The roast dinner being bad isn’t down to the chef – it is down to what the pub
is supplied with by central office.  The
course is right but the horse is wrong.
A sad, lonely 2.8 out of 10 for what is my favourite Reading
watering-hole, my favourite burger joint – and now my least-favourite roast
dinner joint.
Sorry.

Lamb Shoulder @ The Packhorse, Mapledurham, 04/01/2015

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Lamb Shoulder @ The Packhorse, Mapledurham, 04/01/2015

I decided to head north for this episode.  The Packhorse in Mapledurham was my chosen
destination.  I was impressed by the up
to date website, and the temptation of lamb shoulder was too much to resist.  Not only that, they serve food from midday until 9pm on a Sunday.
I walked there – via Mapledurham House, through some woods, alongside
a golf course and by time I was on the A1074 I was hungry, thirsty and tired.  At 15 minutes’ walk away, I saw the Pack &
Saddle, and strongly considered just going there instead.
Perseverance pervaded through my legs and I arrived to the
smart, warm country pub that is The Pack Horse. 
I can see it being a really nice location for a drink in warm sunshine.  It was busy, I probably should have booked
ahead – there were no tables in the restaurant but there was seating available
in the cosy bar.  Which was warm – except
when some morons decided to hold the door to the garden open and have a
conversation for several minutes.
I had high hopes for this roast.  There was something about the menu – the fact
it was updated online that morning impressed me (it’s the small things
sometimes), the font and clarity of the menu helped too.  £16.95 for the lamb shoulder seemed pricey –
there were several other options that were cheaper.
Upon roast arrival, my first reaction was “is that it?”.  It didn’t exactly fill the plate – then again
I filled my plate at Toby Carvery and that remains the worst roast in Reading
so far.
And then I saw the vegetable offering.  Red cabbage – which I have never enjoyed,
some strange mustard-coloured paste and greens – which mainly consisted of
cabbage.  And just 3 roast potatoes.  Again. 
What is it with the roast potato limit around here?
Undeterred, I got stuck into the red cabbage, mixing it with
the paste – which from taste seemed to be like pureed swede – I could be wrong
on this.
It ended up a bit of a taste sensation, certainly compared
to expectations.  It was the first time I
had actually enjoyed red cabbage, and mixed with the swede was quite special.
Mixed greens were next, these were fairly standard – mostly
consisting of cabbage, with one solitary pea (I forgave them for this
indiscretion), one mange tout, one cube of green bean and one slice of
carrot.  Tastier than expected.
All good so far. 
Potatoes.  They were a tad crispy
on the outside, just a tad, and soft and fluffy on the inside.  Deceptively small as they took 3 bites to
consume – I do not have a small mouth.
The Yorkshire pudding was excellent.  Exactly as it should be – crispy sides and a
soft, slightly soggy base.  As close to
perfection as I have reviewed so far.
 
Then the meat.  The
lamb shoulder was so tender, pieces glided off it like a skier on the
snow.  It was supremely tasty and there
was a lot of it – far more lamb than I was expecting.  Again – deceptively small.
And the gravy?  It
arrived as just the usual southern trickle but more was forthcoming upon
request.  It doesn’t win top marks for
consistency, it was acceptable to my desires however the taste was most
excellent.  A real meat stock-based gravy
that I just wanted more and more and more of.
Was anything wrong? 
Well, the service was perfunctory at best – it would be nice to at least
be acknowledged when saying goodbye.  I
also thought it was standard to be asked how one’s meal was.  But there are far more marks to be gained
from good gravy than good service.
Dear friends and readers – this was the best roast dinner so
far of 2015.  This is the standard to
beat.
A truly excellent roast. 
8.5 out of 10.