As advised by my honourable trade union leader, I should set out my demands to return to work following this necessary post-Brexit strike.
Obviously the unacceptable and dangerous working conditions are the main criteria, though I shall also touch on fair recompense.
These are my requirements to end the strike:
- A crate of chicken Goldenfry gravy for when I am too hungover to make some decent gravy.
- 1,000 Facebook followers and 5,000 Twitter followers.
- A public apology and a free roast dinner from the landlady of The Shoulder of Mutton for all of her hurtful words last year.
- A swimming pool built in my garden. Filled with gravy.
- A minimum of two naked attractive young ladies (ideally from Yorkshire, Spain or Iran), covered in gravy, to caress my nipples with said gravy.
- A crown from The Crown.
- Roast dinner for two at Buckingham Palace, with the Queen and at least 3 members of the royal family.
- A statue for David Cameron at Westminster.
- A film/TV contract for Roast Dinners Around The World.
- Some kind of honours, ie a knighthood.
These minimal demands are fair recompense for the public work that I carry out on a weekly basis and the danger that I face.
Only on receipt of all 10 of these demands will I resume reviewing roast dinners.
Long live lesbians.